Nicolas Un-Caged: Season of the Witch (2011)

Welcome to another edition of the sporadic new feature, 'Nicolas Un-Caged', where I, Stevee Taylor, a person who is very cool towards actor Nicolas Cage, tackle some Nicolas Cage movies. At the end of the review, I give Nicolas Cage a rating between 1 and 5 Nicolas Cage's, based on how crazy Nicolas Cage is in a Nicolas Cage movie. Did I use the name Nicolas Cage enough in that passage? Nicolas Cage.

All I remember about Season of the Witch was that it was once rated 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, to me, you can't get much worse than being rated 1%. Because it means that, like, one person liked your movie. One lonely critic liked your movie. Which is more sad than nobody liking your movie, for some reason. So with it's star-power being reduced to Nicolas Cage and a slew of awful reviews, this movie was released in America, only scoring back around 60% of it's budget during it's release there. June comes around, and this movie pops up on DVD. I thought "no one has heard of it, so it won't be that popular." Boy, was I wrong. At work this past weekend, there were only two movies which people were demanding: True Grit (well done, Dannevirke) and Season of the Witch. Response coming back from the two was positive too. I can see why True Grit is so well-liked, because at least that is actually entertaining, but Season of the Witch? I just didn't see it.

I'm sure the popularity that this movie got this weekend didn't come down to Nicolas Cage being the top star, but because it is marketed as a medieval actioner. But really, this is a medieval borefest. This film is set in the times when the Black Plague was ravaging the land, and when witches were believed to be the cause of all of this. Old Nic, who plays Behmen here, embarks on a bit of a road trip with his buddy Felson (Ron Perlman) as they take a girl accused of being a witch (Claire Foy) from A to B. We go on a arduous journey across perilous terrain with them and we discover the truth about this supposed witch, along with finding the true courage which these fine men have.

It all sounds very majestic, but really, this is one cheap movie. The scenery is nice enough, even though it seems as if the camera made it look 100 times more dull. That doesn't do wonders for the story either. Believe me, I tried to stay with this movie. But you know how hard it is to stay with a movie that moves at the pace of a snail, takes itself far too seriously and doesn't even have the decency to give us a laugh or two to tide us over. I will admit, this movie isn't nearly as bad as it's 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes makes it out to be. But yes, it is bad. The action sequences, which are few and far between, are less than exciting. I mean, when you first meet Behmen and Felson in a montage of their fictional fights, you do think that this might be a fun journey, because they look they might be a couple of jokesters. Between Nic wearing his serious face and Ron Perlman occasionally trying to lighten things up, the two never really gel, so we miss a couple of funny buddies that this movie needed.

The worst thing about Season of the Witch, though, is the fact that Nic isn't even remotely crazy in this movie. He never says anything that makes us question his sanity. He doesn't even make any weird screaming noises. Which is a great shame, because when you have a bad movie, something always makes you laugh. When you have Nicolas Cage in a bad movie, you expect to be rolling on the floor with laughter. But no, Season of the Witch is surprisingly tame. Which makes me wonder why Nic actually starred in this nonsense. Even though he may have turned into the worst actor in the world, he is above this B-grade horror schlock. He should know by now that we all enjoy him being slightly off his knocker, not sleep-walking through a movie with his one and only serious face on the whole time. One more movie like this, Nic, and you've lost your entire fanbase. I guess his hair did look impressive, though.

THE VERDICT: It's the kind of movie that should have gone straight-to-DVD everywhere, or better yet, been kept on the shelf. Season of the Witch is definitely not the most exciting movie, and Nic Cage isn't anything to laugh about, either.

What I got:

Nic Cage Crazy Scale: