How do you know that you've 'found yourself'?

The teen movies all have it. Well, apart from the ones where teens are vampires or overly depressive bitches. Most films that focus on the lives of a teen always seem to have them hit rock bottom, and then rise again, eventually showing that they have found themselves. Now I'm going through this strange stage in my life where everything is becoming so much more clear to me and I'm, how do I put this, thinking a lot more. But no, nothing substantial has happened to me. I haven't hit anywhere near rock bottom. Being 15 years old, nearly 16, I believe I am in that phase of finding what I want out of my life. It never stops though. People constantly find themselves, change every day. There's never one point where people decide they are one thing and not the other. That's what the movies don't tell you.

Okay okay, so it's not a movie's job to tell you how to live your life. But I am easily influenced by anything, particularly movies. I watch An Education, I want to study and read French literature. I watch Black Swan, I want to be perfect. I watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off...I want my own musical number. In most of the movies I watch, characters will always have a distinct turning point and are usually as unique as they come. And yet, all the time they always seem so sure of themselves. Lately I've been wondering about my own 'character' and wondering if I have hit a turning point. So here, I seek the help of the film characters who have most influenced me in my life, and see who I really want to be. In other words, I'm just another teenager who wants to know who I am. I guess.

One of my biggest character 'idols' is Jenny from An Education. I love this film to bitty bits, which has a lot to do with how damn stylish it is, but mainly because of the heroine of the story. Jenny is a very smart girl who is always pushed to achieve with excellence and usually does, unless you are talking about Latin, one of her weaker subjects. She works hard, under a lot of pressure from her father, to go towards an education at Oxford. This means that there is little or no time for her to have any 'interests', but that's okay, because all she knows is to work hard to keep other people happy. Her first turning point, though, comes when she meets David, who is in his thirties and studied at the "University of Life". Through David she is welcomed into a world that accepts her for having interests rather than an education.

Ultimately, Jenny is betrayed by this world. While she may be having a really good time, she's thrown away all of the hard work she achieved while still at school, which will come back to bite her on the ass in future. Lessons learned from the movie? Always have interests, because they make you come alive as a person. Never underestimate the power of a good education if you're smart and a hard worker. But if you make a mistake, take it as experience and move on. The real turning point that Jenny had was the way she came back after all of that experience. She learnt about herself through something that was completely new and exciting to her. It hurt her, but she then realised that after all of that, she had enough courage to, for loss of a better word, 'rise again'.

But it all sounds like the same stuff we've heard all throughout our lives..."learn from your mistakes", "always have courage", "this is your life, not anyone elses". That doesn't make it any less true. But yes, you do learn from your mistakes, even though you pretty much regret making the mistake in the first place. It's hard to have courage when you lack confidence. Of course it's your life, but there's a lot of pressure to live up to other peoples standards. What are we supposed to do? Not care about anyone else? No. Because the one problem that lies within everyone in this world is the fact that we can't consider the needs of everyone else on this planet all of the time.

Consideration, I think, is one of my best, but most annoying traits. As I said to a couple of my friends, my motto in life is "always think of the other person". Most of the time, I always take into consideration how the other person would feel if I said I didn't like a certain movie that they love, or something along those lines. Most of the things I do are all done with a lot of consideration (just like this post...I don't expect many to read it anyway but I just needed to post it). But I reckon this attention to consideration makes me weak and unable to stand up for myself. You hear that "this is your life, not anyone elses"? I can't adhere to that. I want to make everything a lot easier for everyone else. I may not be really good at it, but that's what I aim to do. I'm a bit like good old Nina Sayers from Black Swan in that respect...I'll always say sorry, even if it makes me sound "fucking weak".

But who am I kidding? That's probably who I'd like to be. I'd like to be the nicest person on earth. I'd also like to be the makings of an awesome movie character. For example, I like to think I have a deep passion for film. But really, the only people who do that are the ones who watch lots of Italian neorealism and silent films. Me? Oh, I only just like movies. I like to watch them, and then I can tell you what is right and what is wrong. I'd like to be able to read only classic novels and revel in the works of Oscar Wilde or Shakespeare. I'd like to have this huge capacity of brain power and motivation that allows me to study for hours on end. I'd like to have all of these old fashioned interests. I'd like to live by Jenny's ideals, more than anything.

Is that me though? No. I've been living with this dream in my head for ages, but now I've pretty much realised I'm never going to be what I'd like to be. So the point of this post is not only to tell y'all why I love Jenny out of An Education or just to ramble on about 'teen' stuff (but I guess all of you are thinking that anyway and just wish I'd shut up, haha). It's to tell you what I have decided I really want out of my life. I want to continue being considerate, to try not to be cynical and to always remember that my life isn't that hard compared to others. I'll continue watching movies, even if they aren't the 'right' ones. I'll always understand the importance of a good education. When people ask me what I want to do when I'm older I'll actually tell them that I want to become a director, instead of saying "I don't really know yet" just because everyone frowns upon my career decision. But most of all, I want to have an influence on people. That's one thing I'd like to do more than anything else in the world. As Anne Frank said: "I want to go on living, even after my death." It's just a small piece of greatness that I know can be achieved...we all just have to live, though. That is how, I believe, you find yourself.

How about you? Got any characters you look up to? Any dreams and aspirations you want to be achieved?