A Teenage Girl's Perspective on Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The large majority of us movie bloggers think that this movie is not that great. So you, the reader, probably don't want another review filled with statements like: "big-budgeted blockbusters suck", "everyone go see an arthouse movie instead of this one!", "Michael Bay is a talentless hack", "the stupidest blockbuster ever", etc etc etc. Because I could possibly do a review using all of those terms, plus a lot more harsh ones to follow. But no, instead I'll list some of the random thoughts I had whilst watching this movie. Because I am a teenage girl, which  means I am arguably the complete opposite to the film's target audience: the teenage boy. I'm sorry if you are a teenage boy and you somehow liked this film...I truly am.

1. The start was promising. I thought it was going to be quite smart. With all it's mooniness and archive footage and such. But hey, that was only the first six minutes. And we've got to remember that this is a 154 minute movie, which gives it a lot of time to degrade it's intelligence.

2. After the title rolls up, we get a nice shot of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's (perfect) tanned legs as they walk up the stairs. I believe this is Michael Bay's way of trying to make us warm to this impostor. I can imagine the pitch: "I know that she's not really good at acting. But do you know what supermodels are really good at? Walking. And do you know what's even better than a supermodel walking? A supermodel with perfect legs walking up the stairs. If that's the very first thing everyone sees then hopefully they'll just ignore the fact that she's a bad actress."

3. What the hell was with that stuffed bunny? Is this Michael Bay trying to make us 'read between the lines' or something?

4. But back to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: she had a pretty cool wardrobe. Which was filled with lots of white. Which I guess isn't that great when you happen to be living in a world with Transformers which are rather greasy and dirty. And if you get any grease and dirt on white clothes then damn, you got some washing to do, girlfriend. But I assume little miss Carly Spencer doesn't do washing, so she can wear as much white as she wants.

5. And while we are on the subject of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (why must her name be so long?!)...you know how you can tell when someone is bad at acting? When you wish Megan Fox was still in the film because she's 100 times better than the new chick. And that is saying something. Something bad.

6. What was up with the weird pop-rock music that just suddenly turned up in the movie's 'softer' moments? Actually, considering the first movie had a pretty cool soundtrack, this one was an abomination.

7. Good old Michael Bay sure likes to make his editing work known by having one shot-black screen-another shot-black screen-and another shot-black screen. What was the point in that?

8. The first hour or so was so lame. Because there was a lot of talking. And this movie was not written by Aaron Sorkin.

9. What the hell was Frances McDormand doing in this movie? She was awesome, though. As per usual.

10. And who chose Patrick Dempsey as the villain? He was about as scary as a cat. Just a normal, domesticated feline.

11. Since we're talking about the cast, where was Shia LaBeouf? He was so spaced out, his head was not in the game at all. Come on, Shia, I used to have the hugest crush on you when I was 11 years old. You used to have so much spunk. What happened?

12. You know what was cool? How all those guys started flying. I want one of those flying contraptions. And then I could be Batman.

13. Admittedly, I stopped giving this film my full attention about half an hour in. It had part of my attention, the minimum amount. The rest of my attention was back at the good films of Christopher Nolan where he and his awesomeness are doing things that no-one in Transformers 3, including and especially Michael Bay is intellectually or creatively capable of doing. Yes I adequately answered a condescending question that no-one was asking but it's good to apply The Social Network quotes to real life every now and again.

14. But when Bumblebee almost died, I was getting pretty darn pissed. I love Bumblebee. We shall be together forever.

15. Since when does a finale go for over a bloody hour?!

16. Because I'm an extremely positive person I'll say there was one good thing about this movie: the visuals.

17. But then again, I've seen more focus from a middle-aged drunken woman than there was in this movie.

18. I can't believe that teenage guys literally sit in front of the screen crying with joy over how jizz-worthy this movie is. Not that I mean to demean teenage guys in any way, because some are actually cool. But I'm sorry, this is not the "mind-blowing best movie of the year" I got told it was.

19. Even Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was better than this one. I still stand by my love for the first film, though. This one just lacked the spirit that that one had.

20. I'm sorry but watching a whole lot of robots beat each other up for like, an hour was pretty boring. Even my puppy, who was really hyper at the beginning of the film, fell asleep.

21. Had I not seen The Roommate on the 5th of September, this would have been the worst movie I've seen all year. You would literally have to pay me the entire budget of this film ($195,000,000) to go through that 154 minutes again. And I can't even say "I want my money back!" because I didn't even pay anything for it in the first place! Which I suppose is a good thing.

I feel really bad for being so negative. But, unfortunately, this movie was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. What did you think of it?