A Conversation with The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

I've noticed that since I started this series up again, I've been 'interviewing' some quite bad films. But they're the easiest to talk to, aside from films with great scripts (like anything by Paul Thomas Anderson - or L.A. Confidential, I had great fun with that one). Oh well, I only aim to entertain, and taking the piss out of a Twilight film is one of the best ways to do that. If you are unsure of how this series works, check back here for previous entries. The skinny is that my 'interviewer' Christopher (no reference to anyone living or dead) has a 'chat' with a specific movie. And today's movie just so happens to be The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1.

CHRISTOPHER: Hello there. Would you mind stepping out of the dark so I can see you?
BREAKING DAWN 1: I'm a vampire movie. I don't do lights.

C: That's an odd thing to say, considering your main vampire Edward spends a good deal of time sitting outside, in the sunlight, playing chess, and not sparkling.
BD1: He gets a lot of shit for sparkling.

C: I hate to break it to you, but vampires don't sparkle. They're not supposed to be fairies.
BD1: This argument has been going on since 2008. Just let Edward and his vampire family be. If they want to be fairies, they can let their freak flag fly.

C: Hmmmm. So far, we've had the love story between Edward and Bella, and Bella has been killed almost fifty times, plus there's something about some werewolves, one in particular who likes to take his shirt off. What do you have to offer to this obviously epic 'saga'?
BD1: Well, Bella and Edward get married, and Bella almost gets killed again. There's a really short sex scene in there, too - we didn't want to freak any little girls out.

C: So Bella almost gets killed again, what a surprise. How does it happen this time?
BD1: She gets pregnant. With a vampire/human hybrid. Now ain't that excitement for all the little fangirls?

C: Oh yes. I imagine a fetus that's half human is very exciting to whoever still likes you after all this time.
BD1: I still have fans. Mainly the mothers of teenagers who have already outgrown me. Mothers dig that sort of stuff.

C: That is quite surprising, as the series has just got worse and worse. You started out as an indie, which was fine, but then you got all cocky and the budgets got bigger.
BD1: As long as we're making money and winning lots of MTV Movie Awards, we're happy.

C: Are you aware that you're nominated for 8 Razzies?
BD1: Are you aware that that is probably more nominations than Drive got for anything this awards season? See, we're on the top of our game.

C: I'm not even going to say anything to that. Now this is only the first part to the final book. Tell me, why does hardly anything happen?
BD1: What do you mean, 'why does hardly anything happen?'. Edward and Bella play chess for at least 50% of the movie. And everyone thinks that is so romantic. Plus, chess is a game which needs to be brought back out into the spotlight. Harry Potter had a go at making it cool and all, but I think Edward and Bella really nailed it.

C: Yes, I'm going out to buy myself a chess set and hope that some clumsy, boring girl comes to play it with me on a beach. So romantic. 
BD1: It is romantic, for the fangirls, their mothers, and the teens that claim to be hipster but only think that chess is cool because I showed them it in a romantic light. 

C: Oh yay. So you expect them to believe in true love at first sight, with both a vampire and a werewolf, as well?
BD1: Yes.

C: Isn't being in love with a vampire kinda dangerous?
BD1: Do teenage girls think? No.

C: Oh well, if it were dangerous, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't do a good job of showing it.
BD1: Who cares? Everyone thinks they're good looking.

C: And what does she see in Taylor Lautner?
BD1: True emotion. You see how he furrows his eyebrows all of the time? And how he got so angry about the wedding invitation that he ripped off his shirt and went for a run? That boy has no heart of stone.

C: Just a face of stone. Thankfully, we only have to endure one more of your films. But you picked a stupid moment to end yourself on.
BD1: It is called ambiguity. All the cool movies end with a shot like that. I mean, you saw that movie called Inception, right? It had that spinning top at the end. And even though I didn't understand that, I thought that last shot was cool because spinning tops are so 2002 which is soooooo retro. So I decided to end with a shot like that, and everyone would be like, that shot is so cool. I mean, how else could I end?

C: I don't know, by fitting the entire book into one film so we could only have four films instead of five?
BD1: You don't understand. The longer we keep milking this vampire thing, the more money we can make. They'll be rebooting the series in a couple of years.

C: Oh God, now I really do hope the apocalypse happens. Do you have any final words?
BD1: TEAM EDWARD 4EVA XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!

What I got: