A Conversation with Mean Girls

Earlier this evening, I felt like I'd failed you all because I didn't have a movie to converse with. And then the brilliant Nikhat came to me at my hour of need and said "Oh you should totally do one with Mean Girls. It'll be so fetch ;-)" Fetch it would be. In case you don't know, I freaking love Mean Girls - it is definitely one of my absolute favourite films of all time. And not a day goes by where I don't quote it. This should be fun...

CHRISTOPHER: After being tormented by Greek Gods, robots, and a cat wearing boots, I'm ready to talk to a movie about normal people. 
MEAN GIRLS: You go Glenn Coco!

C: My name is not Glenn Coco.
MG: Well then, what is it?

C: Christopher. 
MG: What? Crisp-oaf-her?

C: No, just Christopher. As it sounds. 
MG: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

C: ...Okay. Tell us all a bit about yourself.
MG: I am the guide to being a girl. I will teach you everything. For example:
-Butter is a carb.
-Halloween is the holiday where a girl can dress up like a total slut and no-one will say anything about it.
-You can't do to Taco Bell if you're on an all-carb diet.
-Everyone in Africa knows Swedish.
-Fetch is not going to happen.
-Joining mathletes is social suicide.
-Jingle Bell Rock is the best song you can perform at Christmas time. 
-Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends. That's just like the rules of feminism.
-Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise?

C: Sounds very...interesting.
MG: Oh, and there's a 30% chance that it's already raining. 

C: Really? How do you figure that?
MG: I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense. It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it is going to rain. Or, at least, when it is raining.

C: That's a real talent. 
MG: I know, I bet you're jealous. I mean, I'm sorry that everyone's so jealous of me. I can't help it if I'm popular.

C: I'm sure you can't. 
MG: You want to hear a rap?

C: I'm sure you're going to do it anyway.
MG: Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!

C: Wow, that was inspiring. But I thought joining mathletes was social suicide.
MG: Only if you're a girl. And preferably don't make up rap songs. So not fetch.

C: And I thought fetch was never going to happen?
MG: People thought that Lindsay Lohan was going to happen, but she didn't.

C: So fetch is going to happen?
MG: It is going to happen just like Rachel McAdams does in dreary romantic dramas.

C: But Regina George said it was going to happen...
MG: And of course you'd believe that. You've probably felt personally victimised by Regina George.

C: Yes, I have. Who hasn't?
MG: Exactly. Her face smells like a foot, anyway.

C: So in this interview, we've covered the rules of being a girl, that your breasts can tell when it is raining, and you've performed a rap song. Anything else you need to say?
MG: On Wednesdays we wear pink.

What I got (obviously):