Why Do I Blog?

Last night, a small conversation erupted on Twitter about how blogging can get you down sometimes, because the readers just aren't there and you feel like you've been talking to a brick wall. This is something I experienced for a year and a half. I look back on all that time and wonder, why did I keep going? Why did I think things were going to get better? Why didn't I give up? Those are some very good questions, come to think of it.

Part of the reason of why I didn't give up is the fact that I used to be taken over by this idea that my posts were actually worth something. I look back at them now and I honestly have to wonder what the hell I was doing. Of course, I can't go back in time and ask myself why I kept going, but I imagine most of the reason why was because I was writing for the local paper at the time, so I guess I needed a reason to keep writing. When I look back on those days, I also have to wonder how I could just blog 'off the cuff'. I would just post whenever - maybe four times a day, but then I'd leave the blogosphere for five days because I'd have to go back to my mothers where I didn't yet have internet access. Back in those days, I used to have so much time to do things that didn't really matter. Now I don't have any time to do things that matter.

Part of that is to do with the fact that I'm now a year 12 and this is pretty much like year 11 on steroids - the workload has been bumped up to 1000. Rarely is there a night that I don't have something school-like to do.  My weekends are usually filled up with school-work. Between all that, I play sport and I'm in the midst of helping direct a town production. Then I have to watch movies. And of course, that leads to blogging. Now I'd say that I'm pretty prolific, as I post at least six times a week. But I always feel guilty if I don't blog. Because now I have readers, who actually take the time to comment on my little silly thinklings. I actually feel lost without waking up in the morning and not having to check if my post got any comments. However, when I think about it, sometimes I think that blogging is so silly. When people ask me what I'm doing, and I say "blogging", I feel like some stupid teenager who is just spending a casual night on Tumblr. And I always have to wonder about why I have a deep desire to post every single night. I know a whole lot of blogs who manage just fine with sporadic posts. But I can't get that through my head.

Other people I know spend their nights on Facebook, or surfing the net, or watching TV. I barely ever have the time to do that. My night's are meticulously planned. I plan everything around my movies and my blogging, which leaves just enough time to do homework and absolutely no time to do normal things. Mind you, I don't mind that. I like to be busy. I can't remember what it is like to not be busy. In fact, in the holidays you would have to strap me to the couch in order to learn how to relax and actually not do anything for once. When I think of 'normal' people sitting down watching some TV program but not actually getting into it, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

All of my other friends who are equally busy are that way because they attend sports and clubs and stuff like that. I'm busy because I sit down on my couch with my laptop and tap furiously at the keyboard. To everyone else, they don't seem equal, but to me, they take the same amount of time and you get the same rewards out of them. I don't mean to toot my own horn (because lord I do hate that), but my blog is rather popular. I think once blogs get popular, the writers tend to take for granted the readers that will come back, and the content kinda dwindles down. Not for me, though. I've worked so hard and for so long in order to get an audience, and once I did, I actually had to make my blog worthy of their attention. That's why I work tirelessly at it. Why I stay up sometimes quite late in order to get a post done, even though I have school the next day. Why I skip sitting down and watching a movie so I can write about another. Why I never really have enough time in a night to do normal things. I'm a perfectionist, so I know that my blog will never ever be  perfect, but I hope that when people come back time and time again they're not just being nice.

Through blogging, I've been opened up to this new, fantastic world where people actually share the same interests as me. Where people are willing to read something I write without being paid for it (poor teachers). Where other people have taught me so much. I feel like I can't ever give back enough because I barely ever have enough time to reply to the emails I receive, reply to the comments on my posts or comment on any other people's posts (although I do read them at breakfast on my iPod). There are two things I love most about blogging: seeing the way my writing and taste has developed and the people who make up the blogosphere. You're seriously all way too brilliant. I remember the days that I used to scour IMDb for hours in order to seek out opinions on a certain movie. Now I just need to turn to the blogosphere. It's a beautiful thing.

Blogging may be stupid to everyone else - and most definitely the time gods - but the way I see it, it is just as important as playing a sport. I enjoy it, I get rewarded. And the fact that you wonderful bloggers would remember a 16 year old girl from a small town in New Zealand for Best Blog at the LAMMYs (I'm actually the only non-American/Canadian based site in the race, I think) is reason enough for me to be proud and keep blogging. As long as I keep enjoying it, I'll keep doing it. And that's a motto that you bloggers that are feeling a little downtrodden need to keep in mind.