Dear Hollywood: J. Edgar

After a ton of Thursday nights being filled with the sarcasm of Christopher, it's time for him to take a break. I mean, he's had to talk to the likes of Jack and Jill, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and New Year's Eve this time around, so I think he needs to get his brain back together. However, while he's not making the rounds (I promise that he'll come back in the future), I have a new feature to keep your laughing gear warm and toasty on Thursdays (well apart from next Thursday, since I'll be watching The Dark Knight Rises): 'Dear Hollywood'. How does it work? Well, you know those columns with the 'agony aunts' that go:
Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
That's basically what this is all about. But we're putting it in the context of a movie, and Hollywood will be replying to the sender. Let me just get into my Dear Hollywood all about J. Edgar, and hopefully it will make a little more sense!

Dear Hollywood, 

I've been an actor for quite some time now. In fact, in 1993 I was given an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor for my performance in What's Eating Gilbert Grape as Johnny Depp's mentally retarded brother. A lot people said I had class, and that I could be a contender. In 1997, I starred in a small independent film called Titanic. A few people went to go see it. You know that Justin Bieber fella? Well back in the day, I used to be as popular as him. In fact, there was Leo-Mania sweeping the woman-folk back in the 90s. After spending a lot of time letting the hotness waft off me, I decided that I needed to become more serious. So I started being in serious films. I got a couple of Oscar nominations. That wasn't enough though. I started starring in lots of movies where I have a dead wife. Apparently no-one likes that. I cry a lot in my films. NO ACTOR CRIES MORE THAN ME! People on the internet always highlight the fact that I do so much to get Oscars, but no-one else cares about me. What do I do to get that damn Oscar?

Yours sincerely,
Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio

Dear L. Wilhelm DiCaprio,

You know what gets you Oscars? When you play real life people. The last time none of the acting Oscar winners were playing real life people was in 1998. Coincidentally, the year when your 'small, independent film' Titanic won Best Picture. Anyway, the general consensus is: why play a figment of someone's imagination when you can wow everyone with your rendition of someone who has lived on this planet?
I see you've already done this several times. Your most successful biopic was probably The Aviator, which you were nominated for an Oscar for. Unfortunately, you were beaten out by Jamie Foxx. He had two nominations that year, one for each of the X's in his name. What's he doing now? Blaming it on the alcohol.
You should drink to that.
If you want to really go for this Oscar thing, you need to get a little more advanced. Sure, Howard Hughes was an interesting man, but we really need to get up with some people that everyone knows about. Since Helen Mirren's already played Queen Elizabeth II, I think we could give you J. Edgar Hoover. Now there's a life that would give you a challenge. So many conspiracies! So many controversies! Just the kind of role that you'll sink you're teeth into, and you'll taste Oscar gold. Here's a few tips for making a biopic tailor made for a little naked golden man:
-Get a high profile director. Clint Eastwood will get you there.
-Make a list of the points you want to put in the movie. And basically make the movie as if it were a list. You know, like Schindler's List.
-Through that list, don't actually allow us to properly get to know the character. This is a biopic, not some Mills & Boon novel.
-Use flashbacks. Because they've never been done before.
-Only hint at some of the controversies so you don't become particularly memorable. You only need to be remembered around Oscar time, never any longer than that.
-Release a soaring trailer filled with lots of dramatic moments so people can get those Oscar bells ringing.
-The best thing about biopics is that you can play your character at different ages! As soon as you put on your old age make-up and start walking funny people think, BA-DA-BING, OSCAR!!!!

I hope this gets you that little golden man!
Hollywood.

RE: Biopics Will Get You An Oscar
Dear Hollywood,

I followed all the required steps and do I have an Oscar? No. Did I even get an Oscar nomination? No. I CRIED WITH OLD AGE MAKE-UP ON. WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO?!
It seems this advice was sent to Meryl Streep, as well. That lady got her third Oscar with her old age make-up and what do I have? Nothing. Apart from 5000 MTV Movie Awards.

Leonardo "I Want Dat Oscar" DiCaprio.

RE: Biopics Will Get You An Oscar
Dear L. Wilhelm DiCaprio, 

I'm sorry, no-one nominated you because they were too busy pissing themselves laughing at Armie Hammer's old age make-up. I guess we know what people will look like if they live to be 200 years old.

Hollywood.

What I got: