Dear Hollywood: Snow White and the Huntsman

It has been a while since I've done with of these (let's file this under reasons why I'm useless at keeping up features), but since I saw Snow White and the Huntsman this week, I thought I may as well give it the Dear Hollywood treatment. Especially since I gave the same treatment to the other Snow White movie Mirror Mirror a while back. Just the preface this post: in all honesty, I think I may have enjoyed Mirror Mirror's silly colourful fun a little bit more. Perhaps I should have a Snow White night to look at them both equally, but I think that Lily Collins' "I don't need a man" Snow was better than Kristen Stewart's blank-faced "let's just get Chris Hemsworth to do the work" Snow. Mind you, Charlize Theron was on FIRE (literally).

Dear Hollywood,
You know what seems pretty 'in' at the moment? Making things darker than they actually are. You take something that isn't really that dark, take all of the shits and giggles out of it, and make it really really really dark and depressing because it is so close to real life. However, with the comic book adaptation section gone, what else could I possibly make dark? I toyed with the idea of making a dark Adam Sandler movie, but then I saw That's My Boy. Please help.
Yours sincerely,
Joy-Less Bleaker

Dear Joy-Less Bleaker,
Oh, you have no idea how much I get this kind of letter! Everyone wants to try and do dark things these days. Unsurprisingly, Adam Sandler wrote to me wanting some advice on how to do things a little differently. I sent him right on the trail to offending anyone and everyone. Mind you, all he'd need to do is show up on screen for something to be dark and depressing.
Anyway, there are many areas in which you can take this whole dark thing. Take it somewhere you least expect it. Like...jeez, everything is getting pretty dark these days. I mean, they tried to kill the toys in Toy Story 3! Mind you, that movie did get an Oscar nomination. Hmmmm.
Well, with animated kids films getting dark and somewhat realistic, you may as well take the fun out of another kids thing: fairytales. Yes, that's a good idea.
Let me know when you've figured out what fairytale you want to dim the lights on.
Yours sincerely,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Hmmmmm, fairytales. You know what is the best thing about fairytales? They were already pretty dark to begin with. We just didn't realise it when we were kids. Anyway, wanna know a cool story? After you suggested that I look into the dark side of fairytales, I thought to myself "Mirror mirror, on the wall, who's the darkest fairytale of them all?"
HA! You see what I did there! Needless to say, one thing led to another and I came up with Snow White.
Although, now I'm at a loss. A fairytale with seven dwarves intended for comedic effect will be difficult to darken. Please help.
Yours sincerely,
Joy-Less Bleaker

Dear Joy-Less Bleaker,
Oh no, this is no problem. There's an evil queen, so just make her really evil. Like, so evil that we think that she literally has a screw loose somewhere. Make Snow White a prison who escapes, so we can have some Shawshank Redemption thrown in there, just without all the hope going on, or Morgan Freeman's narration. You can't have everything. For the entire movie, just make Snow White journey through the forest. It seemed to work so well in Season of the Witch. Unfortunately, you can't have Nicolas Cage either. So you'll just have to settle on another generally emotionless actor. I've got it! Kristen Stewart! She is totes in right now. As long as you have any cast member from Twilight in your film, then you're okay on the financial side of things. Plus, you needn't worry about the darkness factor any longer...Kristen Stewart has got you covered. Just don't let her put too much emotion in her face. Then you're stuffed. Oh, and if you can throw someone from The Avengers in there, you're sorted financially. How about Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman? Instead of a hammer, just give him an axe to throw around, and people won't know the difference.
And what do you do about the dwarves? Just rough them up a bit. That'll do fine.
Yours sincerely,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Wow, this is all sounding so great! I had a few ideas of my own, though:
-Gollum fairies that just come out of birds!
-A random forest that makes Kristen Stewart act drunk!
-A random white cow with branches coming out of its head which "gives Snow White its blessing"!
-A very convenient white horse just lying on the beach so Snow White can ride away!
-The ugliest bowl cut ever put on the Evil Queen's brother!
What do you think?
Yours sincerely,
Joy-Less Bleaker

Dear Joy-Less Bleaker,
Ummmmmmmm...I'm not sure what the Gollum fairies have to do with anything. But if you really think you're going places with them, then I don't see why not...
Yours sincerely, 
Hollywood

What I got: